Last night I had dinner with my neighbor.

Hello. Yes last night I had a quick dinner with my neighbor and a couple of her friends that just came in from the city. A gentleman named Jean-Louie who owns Chez Josephine in the city and another friend named Nicci ??? Anyway it was a nice dinner very quick as we all had planned to go our separate ways and watch Mildred Pierce at nine pm. So of course Katy mentioned that I am a painter and we talked about me and the store and some other things and it was a pleasure all for about an hour. Perfect!

Jean-Louie left first and as we were getting our coats on standing in front of the refrigerator talking our attention was on a botanical, a reproduction about 5"x7" reduced from 18"x14" or so. It was of a little clump of violets on the lower left and then a larger clump of echinacea to the right. A story of a caterpillar turning into a moth. This particular caterpillar only eats the violet and then when it transforms into a moth moves on to echinacia. It was a watercolor and a most beautiful of botanical. As it turns out this woman Nicci was the artist. (the botanical shown is not Nicci's she doesn't have a website.)

She is in her mid fifties I would guess. I was overwhelmed by the fact that nothing was mentioned of her ability to paint. I still am quite emotional over the fact that someone so talented did not even mention when we were discussing that I am a painter, she did not say "Oh I am a painter as well" This woman is a painter. She has not painted in over a year due to life and work I gather. She regretted that she hasn't and feared being able to do it again. I told her that she must.

Meanwhile I came home with plans of working and could not even look at what I'm doing after that experience. I am still very emotional as I could not believe her modesty in that setting. Almost all artists would have in that moment said that they are painters as well. She being a true talent, amazing ability and emotion said nothing about herself just listened to me.

Truthfully I know the energy it takes to produce that kind of work and it is not what I wish to do even if I could slow the pace down and strive towards that. And thinking about it I think that I have some capability if I were to "key words" slow down and strive towards that outcome. I don't know why I still feel so emotional, my eyes are all watery. I guess I'm tired and looking at my work I feel like a fraud after seeing her amazing skill and humility. Here I am working like crazy and wanting attention, wanting to sell. Finding it really tough to stay focused. Cranking these little paintings out, ideas that I'm just going with, repetitive drawings of scribbly lines that one might think came from an insane person.

I may not be an addict in every way in "action" but I certainly am in "thinking" what I mean is I want immediate gratification all the time. I work I want to be noticed, I write a blog post I want everyone to read it, I do anything and I want some kind of reward for it. It's all addict thinking. I am going to strive to get out of that mindset. Just now I was thinking I have to start trying to link up my blog more. All about me being noticed. It is foolish and a waste of time.

What am I doing this for? If I am not doing it for myself than it is a waste on many levels. I am going to work on getting the focus back on myself but in healthier ways. The focus back on myself, thinking of others and how I treat them. It's so easy for me to get wrapped up in my art which is self absorbed as it is but I need to keep it in proper prospective. Where did those words come from, proper prospective. Anyway, I feel better.

I do understand that my work is worthwhile and that feeling what I am feeling is natural after such an encounter. Also that I am doing things that are totally new, taking chances and there is usually fear involved in taking this kind of chance so I feel apprehensive. But I need to keep plugging on, taking chances, allowing myself to be childish and see where it goes. As usual I am the first to judge something before I even get out of the running gate.

OK enough said, I am going to try to be gentle today and keep the focus on kindness.