Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fear of many things but not giving up

This is a picture of the Rocky Mountains that I took with John a few years ago. Amazing to think of how powerful nature is and yet us little humans can bring her to her knees. When will we learn? I fear never as there is to much money to be made by turning a blind eye. I have to strive to think of ways to live and reduce my footprint. That is something we can all do. Face the challenge of not buying bottled water when we can turn on our tap and guess what? Surprise, out comes pure drinking water. Wow! A beginning.

Hello. The past two nights have been challenging to say the least. The good news is that I am here and documenting my feelings. I have been receiving daily letters from a woman who reads Taro cards and Horoscopes, a healthy addition to my day. I know little about cards or the effect of the moons in relation to my life. Reading these daily words has been helpful in keeping me grounded and hopefully kinder and gentler to all involved. I'm thinking about the moon which is more than I did a week ago. I wish I hadn't waited so long. It is fascinating and coincidentally I'm in sink with the moon or however you would word it. All I know is when she said it was a pretty bad time for Scorpio it was a good call.

I had not one idea in my head last night and what did I do? I wasted two plus hours uploading other's paintings on fb. I realize that most things that I do turn compulsive this can be good or not so good. I love looking at paintings on the Internet but what good is it doing me uploading them to fb. Outside of the fact that I am bringing art to the attention of some people who may not have art in their lives. Well that is one answer...it is a good thing. I love finding that next great painting and it may touch someone when they need it.

What I want to do is take care of Me, not get so obsessed with posting fifty images, limit it to five and pick an artist. That does sound much more manageable. It is the addict in me that goes overboard and then crashes. Baby steps. My normal behavior is Dive in, take Giant steps, Burn hard Die young. The good news is that I've managed to survive and have this insight into healthier living. I really do want to take better care of myself. I am a delicate flower and I can so easily forget.

So I have been floundering with my small painting ideas for a commission. I will persevere and things will happen. I am pushing the gouache around and making some progress I guess maybe seeing the direction that I don't wish to go in. So it is not a waste of time. Like usual it is easy to judge before even beginning. Old habits die hard.

I've found some very exciting painters out there many young, some that are my age or older. These have a quality about them that the younger painters don't quite have. Not good not bad just an observation. For me a welcome observation as I can easily feel passed it when looking at the exciting painting that people born in 1970 can produce or later for that matter. How lucky for them to be young without inhibitions and have a paint bush in your hands. I feel it is a very exciting time for painting. With the likes of Ken Dorn, Saebyeok Shin (very young and all about painting) Ann Craven, Robert Zandvliet, Leslie Vance, Kristine Moran, Tim McFarlane. The list goes on and on so many beautiful visions making me see the possibilities. I used to feel nervous about looking a great work, it made me think I have nothing to offer. I love to paint so I can't buy into that negative thinking. I have to look at what is happening to be part of the conversation even if it is absolutely a one way conversation.

It gets back to the basics of why I do it. I can't kid myself and say that it is my job. I wish I could but the reality is I can't sell paintings frequently enough to say it's my job. Maybe that will never happen. I can't let that stop me from making work...at this point it's a bit late. My goal is and always has been to make work and sell.

Life and winter has been draining this year and I'm chalking what I'm going through up to that, winter and life. Soon I will be moving forward getting my studio together for a studio visit and back to regular work in the studio. I will be reducing my hours in the store in mid-April which will allow me more time in the studio during the day. Things will turn around then. The good news is that I've been exercising on a regular basis so physically I will be in great shape around the time that my mind will be getting healthier. Working in sink with myself. It's all about believing.

When I think about the mess that the world is in with catastrophic weather, nuclear fallout, plastic killing our oceans and people killing each other all I can do is take care of myself. Only then will I have anything to offer anyone else.

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