Friday, December 26, 2008

December 26th, 2008

To publish or not to publish that is the question. To read or not to read. That is the question I put to you. I must tell you that if you continue you may be offended by my thoughts. Nothing is meant to offend. They are just my feelings and I will say in advance of your reading that I mean no ill will to anyone. Even if say for instance I do not want to see you ever again, that does not mean that I hate you, I just want to go forward not seeing you again.

Let me also preface by honoring my Aunts, my Dad's sisters who are loving women that I am so happy to have had in my childhood and lucky now as an adult to still have them and be close to them. They are loyal women and have been so close to my mother. My Sister's who love and tolerate their insane, gay, did I say controlling but loving brother. My Brother and his Partner who are an inspiration as far as couple longevity and they seem to love each other too. My Sister's Men that seem to be rocks for them and they have sweet close relationships that I witness. My Niece and Nephew who are the best teens I know. I love them so much and they know that, I pray that they have beautiful futures loving and being loved$$$ My Mother, who is so sweet and involved and interested in the world, loves to read and follow politics and Obama. Just a perfectly balanced angry Dem. Then there is My Man, I shared my family with him, my Dad dying, He was an amazing comfort, friend and lover. There may just be that one person out there or let's just say that all relationships are different and mine with Him is the most beautiful I've ever had. He makes me want to be better and not want to be without him. Lucky me.

WARNING!!! To read or not to read.

Hello. I am back in NYC after a very busy week and a half or so. My Dad died on December 20th and we had a service today, it felt really good to let him go. Although I miss him in very intense emotional ways that I did not expect. I've seen many photo's of him recently, many early and some very recent. Many years escape my memory but the recent ones that I spent with him and taking care of him, long distance are memories I would not trade for anything. Whatever damage He may have done is forgotten because I know it was not directed at me or any of us, we were just victims of the drink.

WARNING!!! not to late to turn back

Anyway, He was loved as was proved by the turnout of sad faces. He is at peace and not suffering. I was able to pick him up in ash form and I was quite moved. It got me thinking about how I want to be remembered and I realized that I have to plan everything in detail because you can not leave it up to people they may fuck it up. Being a control freak I know what I want and who I do not want to attend my memorial. Yes there will be a brief list of people, two so far that will not be allowed near my urn. Crazy right?? Yes I am crazy. And I have discovered that I will be pushed only so far and then not again. I am very fortunate to have many people in my life that I love that love me so my oldest brother and his wife that we have not seen for thirty plus years will remain strangers to me even though my other family members may continue to see them.


It is an amazing family story that is boring to anyone not involved unless you are fascinated by family dramas. I find it pretty amazing, I used to think that it was like a circus oddity, just embarrassing but now I realize that it is sad and not something to be ashamed of but someone to pity. I realize now that He hurt me and I never thought about it that way. I was a bitter kid then a bitter adult then I forgave and now I take it back. They came to grieve my Dad after not seeing him for as many years like the grieving dutiful son and daughter-in-law. It really amazed me that they thought their was nothing wrong with coming to be with his family like they saw us yesterday. Unfortunately I will never forget how they made me feel well not for a while anyway.

John was with me and we comforted each other as a family but I was quite overwhelmed by their lack of respect for my grieving. And my family and the priest insisted on bringing God into the service. I know my Dad was not a religious man but anyway just to make an elderly, religious, Aunt happy and to satisfy some other shit, God and rising form the dead was mentioned and I just had to suck up, shut up and bare it.

I warned you.

To publish or not to publish that is the question. Where is that edit button?? Anyway, my life is an open book that no one reads anyway.

I am back to work trying to paint a show. Opening reception Feb 5th 2009 more to come.

No comments:

Post a Comment