Friday, September 26, 2008

Tuesday Spetember 30, 2008

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Hello! This photo is a view from Montauk Highway the ocean is just over the to of the dune. I used it as a reference for a painting back in 2007.

It is now 10:30 pm and I am lisitening to Keith Olbermann and it is truly an amazing thing this Sarah Palin mess. I am still in Rhode Island visiting my family and after a long day, seeing my Dad and now winding down in front of the television. My new hero Rachel Maddow just started I am so grateful for her point of view.

Anyway tomorrow I head back to NYC to finish stretching my painting, make a frame and install tomorrow night. It seems like a monumental task and if it does not happen it will be installed instead on Thursday. It is really tough running this business of being an artist, making paintings, finding a buyer and installing. Anyway not really wanting to rant about this - just seems like a lot today.

John and I leave for Phoenix on Friday and I want to have this behind me. I feel very conflicted about life and art today. Of course seeing my Dad this close to the end of his life and not in the best of health makes me feel old. And I see the financial situation he is in and want a different life for myself. I'm not talking about being rich just self-sufficient and not taken care of by my partner. My sister Susan and I are Power of Atourney for our Dad for finance and health so I am totally aware of all of his affairs. It's not good! It could be worse of course it can always be worse but he like his Dad before him will die leaving nothing. He worked hard his whole life...I wonder if this is what happens to a life without art or culture of any kind. My fathers life was work, he retired from a parking lot attendant position and also tended bar at night. Not the healthiest environment for a family man with a serious drinking problem but I digress. Anyway I don't know if this sounds harsh to a stranger reading this account but trust me I love my dad and realize that he did the best he could but here I am, I let his shunning of responsibility have a negative effect on my future. Not my ability to love but certainly my abilty to accept that someone could love me. The trust issue. OK. Maybe it did wonders for my creativity. It kept me humble never thinking I was any good so making me work harder because I am certainly not a quitter. I wanted nothing more than to be a good painter my whole life and I worked very hard and it was a gift that I had that didn't require anyone's input - just their reaction to it and for the most part I have always received praise. It has just been the past couple of years that I felt the work reached a level that I feel is fresh, modern and good. Key word, good. I love my painting.

Back to Dad, I feel really lucky that I am able to be there and sit with him and I see that he lights up when I show up. It means a lot to me as well I've always loved him but this trip in the car driving to RI, I was thinking of him and really longing to see him. It shows the power of love when my siblings and myself can feel so much for this man who was not there after a certain point in our lives. For me it was around fourteen or fifteen years old that I remember that he moved out or was home less frequently until he just was gone. He started a new life with a woman who lived in Providence (and who many years later was welcomed in our lives, accepted by my mother which was the final acceptance. I guess we figured if Mom accepts her than we can) this woman, Roberta, died seven or so years ago and then my Dad moved into a Providence Housing Athourity Building and lived on his own till two months ago when he went into the hospital and then into an old age home. He has Emphysema and very poor blood circulation which has made his feet a serious problem. He may lose part or all of his feet at some point. Well I guess I will stop here but one last thought if we are living things like plants are living things and we prune dead branches from plants (even though they don't ask us to) maybe amputation can be thought of in that regard. I realize that we are different but how do we know what a plant feels? Emotions can be a curse.


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